Module 19 — Domestic Abuse & Digital Control
Technology should help you feel connected — not controlled.
This module explains how tech-enabled abuse and coercive control can show up through phones, accounts, apps, money tools and location features — often without visible violence.
UK context: In the UK, coercive or controlling behaviour refers to a pattern of behaviour that can make someone feel isolated, frightened, or dependent. Digital monitoring and financial restriction can form part of that pattern.
(Education only — not legal advice.)
🇬🇧 UK Language: Coercive Control & Tech-Enabled Abuse
Coercive or controlling behaviour (pattern)
A pattern of acts designed to make someone feel dependent, isolated, monitored or afraid. It often includes rules, surveillance, threats, humiliation, or punishment — and may escalate over time.
Tech-enabled abuse
Using devices or accounts to monitor, intimidate, impersonate, track, restrict, or punish. This can include phone checks, location tracking, account takeovers, or “digital rules” about who you can talk to.
Financial abuse (app-based control)
Restricting access to money or using finances as a control tool: freezing cards, forcing debt, monitoring spending, controlling pay-days, or blocking financial independence.
Why “pattern” matters
Single incidents can feel “explainable”. A repeated pattern of surveillance → questioning → punishment → isolation is the warning sign. Your feelings of fear, pressure, or walking on eggshells are meaningful indicators.
- Demanding passwords/PINs and punishing refusal
- Insisting on 24/7 location sharing “to prove loyalty”
- Interrogating message history, contacts, or social interactions
- Blocking friends/family and controlling who you can speak to
- Controlling money via banking apps, card freezes, forced debt
- Impersonating you online, sending messages “as you”
1️⃣ “Is This Normal?” — Compare Healthy vs Controlling
Healthy digital behaviour
Privacy exists alongside trust. You can say “no” without punishment. Location sharing is optional and can be turned off without conflict.
Controlling digital behaviour
You’re expected to prove innocence, share passwords, explain timelines, or accept surveillance — and refusal leads to anger, threats, or punishment.
- Concern: “Let me know when you get in.”
- Control: “Share your live location or you don’t love me.”
- Concern: “Do you want help with privacy settings?”
- Control: “Give me your passwords or you’re hiding something.”
Press “Start”
You’ll get short examples. Decide if it’s healthy or controlling, then reveal the explanation.
2️⃣ Escalation Timeline — How Digital Control Grows
Digital abuse often starts small and “reasonable”, so people adapt. Each step becomes the new normal. The brain also tries to reduce stress by minimising: “It’s not that bad” — until it clearly is.
3️⃣ Safety Warnings — What NOT to do (and what to do instead)
❌ Don’t confront if escalation is possible
Direct confrontation can trigger rage, punishment, or increased surveillance — especially if control is already present.
✅ Do this instead
Prioritise safety planning, support, and quieter steps. Use safer devices for help and plan account changes carefully.
❌ Don’t announce sudden password / location changes
Sudden changes can “tip off” a controlling person and trigger retaliation or tighter monitoring.
✅ Do this instead
Plan the order of changes with support. Consider safer communications first, then staged changes.
❌ Don’t try to “catch them out”
Trying to gather proof can increase risk and stress. Safety is the priority, not winning an argument.
✅ Do this instead
If safe, record brief incidents privately (dates/times). Focus on support and safe exit planning, not evidence battles.
4️⃣ Why People Comply — Trauma & Survival Responses
Fight / Flight / Freeze / Fawn
Under threat, the brain prioritises survival. “Fawn” (appeasing) is common in coercive control: it reduces immediate danger.
Why memory can feel foggy
Chronic stress affects concentration and recall. Confusion is not a weakness — it’s a nervous system under pressure.
The most important reframe
Compliance is a survival response — not consent. Your goal is safety, support, and options.
- Leaving can be the highest-risk point, especially when control is threatened.
- Isolation reduces options and support.
- Money control and fear make planning difficult.
- Hope and “good days” can keep people trying to fix it.
5️⃣ Gaslighting Phrase Decoder
6️⃣ Children Used as Digital Leverage
Tracking children to monitor the parent
A controlling partner may track a child’s phone/tablet or insist on access to “stay informed” — then uses that information to monitor the other parent.
School app surveillance
Using school messaging apps, attendance logs, or notifications to question and control movements or communication.
“On behalf of the child” control
Reading messages or contacting people “as the child” to manipulate, isolate, or escalate conflict.
Safer framing
Children shouldn’t become surveillance tools. Healthy parenting communication is transparent and non-threatening.
7️⃣ Post-Separation Digital Abuse
Account retaliation
Lockouts, password changes, deleting photos/files, or taking over shared services after a breakup.
Smear campaigns
Posting “stories”, private messages, or accusations to harm reputation and isolate support.
Financial sabotage
Cancelling subscriptions, damaging credit, creating debt, or controlling child-related expenses digitally.
Ongoing harassment
Repeated calls, messages, new accounts, fake profiles, or location-based intimidation.
- Assume shared accounts/services may be visible to them.
- Use safer communications for planning.
- Consider a staged plan: secure identity → secure money → secure devices → secure accounts.
- Keep support close and avoid “digital battles” alone.
8️⃣ Quiet Evidence Checklist (Private, Local)
9️⃣ Neutral Language Mode (Safer Reading Option)
Why it helps
If someone is not ready to see the word “abuse”, they may stop reading. Neutral language lets learning continue without forcing a label.
What changes
Terms switch to softer descriptions while keeping the meaning: “abuse” → “digital pressure”, “control” → “monitoring behaviour”.
Press “Start”
These examples show the same meaning using different words.
💙 Final Message (Trauma-aware)
- Recognise the pattern: monitoring → questioning → punishment → isolation.
- Prioritise safety over proof or confrontation.
- Use support (trusted person, specialist service, safe devices).
- Plan changes carefully if escalation is likely.
Kids-Only Companion Page — Digital Pressure & Safety
This page is for young people. It uses simple language and clear examples.
If someone makes you feel worried, pressured, or scared online — you deserve help.
Big rule: You’re not in trouble for asking for help.
1️⃣ What is “digital pressure”?
📵 “Show me your phone” pressure
Someone says you must share your phone to “prove” you care. That’s not love — it’s control.
⏱️ “Reply right now!”
They get angry if you don’t answer instantly. That’s them trying to control your time.
🚫 “Block your friends”
They try to cut you off from friends or family. That’s a big red flag.
📍 “Share your location always”
Location sharing should be your choice. If it’s forced, it’s not safety — it’s tracking.
2️⃣ “3 Safe Moves” (easy to remember)
1) Pause
Don’t argue if it feels risky. Take a breath. Give yourself time.
2) Protect
Tell a trusted adult, friend, teacher, or parent. You deserve support.
3) Plan
Think of a safe next step: blocking, privacy settings, or getting help in person.
🎴 Swipe Mini-Cards: “Is it okay or not okay?”
Press “Start”
You’ll see a short situation. Tap reveal to understand it.
Goal: safer learning + calmer next steps. Not confrontation.
Support first
If escalation is possible, plan changes with support (trusted person, specialist service, safe device).
Passwords & device locks
Use strong unique passwords and a phone lock (PIN). Avoid patterns they can guess.
Safer research
If you suspect monitoring, use a trusted friend’s device or safe computer to seek help.
Quiet notes
If safe, note dates/times/incidents. Don’t put yourself at risk collecting proof.
Keyboard shortcut: Ctrl/Cmd + E = Quick Exit. Esc toggles this panel.
